Ceremony #4

Last night I decided to switch up the routine a little bit and I asked Luco to pour me 3/4 of the glass full of Ayahuasca (he ended up pouring even more than that) which was 2-3 times the amount almost everyone else was taking. It was a very stranger ceremony for a number of reasons. Number one being that for some reason it was incredibly hard to focus, and I found my mind wandering to some very weird places. I even found myself so spaced out I forgot I had taken Ayahuasca. I began getting frustrated because I desperately wanted to focus on my visions so I could do as much as I could for the process, but it just was not in the cards for me last night. This, I think, brings up a very good point about how in western thought we are always seeking some end result or quantifiable progession in whatever task we undertake. However, with Ayahuasca I learned that there is no end point. This journey never ends, and it is something that requires diligence and the highest degree of patience. Overall I was slightly releived that I could not focus and that I did not know where the energy I was purging was coming from. It gave me the chance to not have to think to much, let the medicine take its course, and to just "enjoy the show." One vision I was able to absorb and digest for the next 8 hours of my sleepless state was one where I was looking at myself and suddenly something zipped in from out of nowhere and tore my head off. This sounds much more violent and grousome than what really happend. A better picture would be to just imagine my head disapeared from the space it occupied. After this happend I pondered what this meant in regard to myself and how I should lead my life. It all became clear when the vision I was having zoomed away from my headless self and showed me that the heart was there to lead me and not my mind. Although it seems cliche, I think this is a very important observation because no matter how many times you hear the phrase "follow your heart," we rarely heed those words. If I look back on my own life I know that it is my mind and logic that hold supremecy over my actions, while the heart is just a lonely servant . This simply can and should not be. Our heart holds only truth, it never lies. The mind however, can play tricks on you, and work with your ego to convince you that the lie you are living is in fact truth. Think about it... do all the accounting majors in college do it because they love accounting and their little hearts will not rest until they can memorize all the GAAP(generaly accepted acounting principles)? Yes, some really do enjoy accounting, but the majority are in it because they are following what their mind is telling them, which is that they will get a good job and in turn have financial security. The point I am trying to make is that I and anyone who whishes to take my advice should stop being so risk averse and really live. Otherwise your heart will never be fulfilled and you wil never reach the level of comfort and happyness that you were born to. It reminds me of a quote that I once heard:

"Peoples greatest fear is not death, it is to risk being alive"