Certainty in Uncertainty.

Unlike the rollercoaster rides of the previous ceremonies, during this ceremony a stillness came over my body and mind. It was very theraputic to listen to the sound of silence and to know that you can always retreat to the inside of yourself when it seems like the world around you is collapsing. Even when lightning would strike in the surrounding jungle it stirred nothing within me. I am now very intrested in beginning a daily mediation practice so that I can clear my mind and prepare for the days trials and celebrations. As I have noted before, after drinking the Ayahuasca a huge cosmic party was awaiting me upon my arrival. All sorts of flowers littered the ceiling, multi-colored fireworks shot off all around me, and spirits danced to the tune of Lucos Icaros. What the Ayahuasca showed me this time around was the reason for these large celebrations. The celbratory nature of my Ayahuasca ceremonies was due to the spirits being overjoyed that someone came to visit them. The truth of the matter is that they are very lonely at times because humanity has disconnected from nature and the spirit world, and rational thought seems to reject all things mystical without a thought of weather there might be some truth in what billions of people claim to be real. Instead of seeing things outside of myself on this Ayahuasca journey, I was shown the intricacies of my genetic structure. I saw the codons of my DNA more clearly than the most powerful microscope, ribosomes, mitochondria, and the nucleus of my hundred of trillions of cells as if I was back in highschool biology class. At the moment I could understand the purpose, inner workings, and language of what we call the human body. I desperately wanted to write it down, but it seemed that the ayahausca permanently paralyzed me to stop me from doing so and to let me know that this was sacred information that I could only glimpse, not keep. During the more contemplative stage of the ceremony I began pondering about how to live life, my emotions, and various other things. At this moment the Ayahuasca showed me an island in the middle of a vast ocean. As I aproached the island I began thinking that it was trying to tell me to live as if I lived on an island; only seek the necessities in life such as heat, shelter, water, and food. But the Ayahuasca interupted this thought and told me that I must be the island. The point in telling me to be the island was to hammer home the idea that there is certainty in uncertainty. An island is the greatest example of something that remains certain in an ocean of uncertainty. Certainty and uncertainty are two aspects of our nature. At one level, things have to be certain or order couldn´t exist. At another level, things have to be uncertain or there would be no newness to life. Evolution moves forward through surprising events. So the point I am trying to make is that uncerainty is nothing to fear, but is something to be looked forward to. Why fear it when it can do nothing to shake the foundation or "island" of your being? Later on in the night I again began thinking about how as this towering corporate culture threatens to suffocate us, Ayahuasca can provide for the West what Peyote did for the Indians; instant proof, beyond any doubt, of the existence of a nonmaterialist mystery worth exploring. Realizing that many people are unwilling to go to such lengths it came to me that proof of the mystical can be found in cutting edge science. With so much downtime in the jungle I have smothered myself with any literature that can help explain the unexplainable. One such book was on quantum theory. I already knew and understood Heisenbergs uncertainty principle (don´t ask me how) but after reading about "quantum jumps," quntum nonlocality" and other concepts I can not recal the names of, I saw that even to the raional skeptic, the proof is there. I wont bore you with the details of it all here, but if you can´t make it down to the jungle, do some reading.

Praying for you always,

- Paul

A master shaman walks into the room...

During this cerimony I had the privelage to witness what was possibly the greatest spectacle of my young life; two shamans running ceremony at the same time. About five minutes before ceremony was supposed to start Luco informed us that Alberto, quite possibly the most well known shaman in the world would be joining us for ceremony. To help you grasp how amazingly special this encounter was I will give you a little background on Alberto. Alberto is a fifty five year old master shaman who has been drinking Ayahuasca since he was eight years old (55-8=47 years of drinking Ayahuasca). Just thinking about the enormity of knowledge and wisdom Alberto has attained throughout his life and his passion for sharing it with us would have been a dream come true, but to add fuel to the fire Luco told us that Alberto was the shaman he trained under. This gave me a much deeper feeling of respect for Alberto because if he taught Luco, easily one of the top five shamans on earth, much of what he knows, then he truly is a special person. Once the ceremony started we were all catapulted into realms we had not yet expiernced up to this point. The effect of having two shamans singing their very different Icaros in perfect harmony with eachother was so astounding that it was almost to much to handle. As my visions started I found myself stairing at the intricate mandalas creating themselves before me that are often typical of Ayahuasca. As I was meditating on this mandala this white, round, supreme godhead being started floating down infront of the mandala. Right as I started to get a good look at "it" a huge hand came out of nowhere and lifted it what seemed to be like miles above me and out of site. All of a sudden I realized that the mandala I was looking at was just a little piece of the sheet around the waist of a giant protector. When my focus zoomed out I noticed not only one, but two of these giant spirit like protectors on either side of me barring my access to the godhead. Soon after this I began floating up to a transperent ceiling. When I reached the ceiling I poked it, causing it to pop and allow a large neon purple anaconda to fall through and swollow me hole. After swallowing me it traveled through a series of vortexes and tunnels that each spun at a different frequencies and cailbrated each of my chakras. Feeling like a finely tuned guitar, I opened my eyes to look around and found what looked to be a gorilla on the ceiling stairing down at me in wonder and curiosity. Laying there contemplating what had just happend, I experienced a shift of energy. It was as if a vail was lifted off me and transformed me into a new person. A new level of confidence, security, and love came over me. What is also important to point out was that these feelings did not come from somewhere else, they were always there. All I needed to do was shed the materialistic cultures idea that these are things that must be obtained externally.

Ceremony #10

It´s sounds funny to say that I now feel comfortable with the most powerful entheogen on earth, but it is the truth. I have learned, after much suffering, how to manage the medicine inside my body. Sensing that the group had a lot of enthusiasm towards this ceremony, Luco gave everyone of us a quartz crystal to hold onto the entire night. Having shed my skepticism regarding holistic medicine and its effectiveness soon after my first Ayahuasca ceremony, I embraced the crystal with the upmost confidence in its ability to further enhance my transformation... Even if the details of its power were beyond my current understanding. The fact that quartz has been used in shamanism throughout history and all around the world told me that this was not just some new age hocus pocus. As I held the crystal all night I could feel an incredible energy flowing through the crystal and into my hand. It was almost as if the crystal had a life of its own, and ater doing some research on the use of quartz in shamanism, I believe this was in fact the case. In his book, "The Cosmic Serpent," Jeremy Narby points out that amazonian shamans, in particular, consider that spirits can materialize and become visible in quartz crystals. If you think about this in terms of Western thought, it still makes perfectly logical sense. Quartz is a crystal which means that it is an excellent receptor of photons (light). So what if these spirits were just the biophotons emmited by every living cell in the world picked up, and amplified by a quartz crystal? That would mean that spirits are made of pure light as has always been claimed (and witnessed by me personally and detailed in earlier blog posts). Put that in your pipe and smoke it!!! Going back now from this seemingly unnecessary rant, allow me to explain my experience with the quartz crystal. The crystal would emmit this unmistakable flow of energy that travled up my arm, into my heart, and then finally to the rest of my body. I have probably used the word "unexplainable" a million times by now, but that is the only word in my vocabulary as of now that I can use in trying to explain the healing power of the crystal. I would call it a kind of "cosmic flush." Like a foreign chemical such as Drain-o enters a toilet and cleans out the pipes, so did this unknown spirit clean out and regenerate every nanometer of my physical and spiritual self. It is no wonder that during this ceremony I experienced the largest purge to date. I purged so much that it was hard to believe where it all came from. It just kept coming and coming with no end. I practically filled up my bucket. All I can say is that what I was purging was coming from some very very deep places. Places that have not seen or felt light for what felt like centuries. The time after my purge was also very special for me because I could literally feel energy shifts within the ceremony house. If the group was happy I could feel the heavyness lift from the room and vise versa. I continued to be this open up until about 6AM when I was walking down to the river for my daily ritual. It felt great to be outside in the morning and be so open because I was able to percieve the little things in reality that we have trained ourselves to not acknowledge or ignore. An example of this would be the insect orchestra that is playing its heart out all around us all the time. I heard mosquitos, crickets, flies, moths, butterflies, you name it... All producing their distinct sounds in perfect unison. I have never in my life experienced anything like it. It goes back to the fact that all of nature is constantly communicating and us humans have at some point in time decided to stop listening and telling ourselves that "nature is mute." Well here is a reality check, nature does speak. Just not in a language we can understand without the use of psychoactive plants. Think about it, why do plants waste so much time and energy producing psychoactive alkaloids? To this day scientists have not been able to explain an evolutionary reason for plants producing these alkaloids. It is easy to see the reason if we step back and look at the world with new eyes.

Ceremony # 9

Before I begin telling you about my ceremony I would like to discuss my recent posts. I know they may seem short or lacking in detail but I think it is just a result of the transformation taking place within me. Writing about my experience has become very trivial at times because as the barriers and crossed energies inside me start to break down, my experiences have evolved into a series of literally unexplainable events, emotions, and concepts that only I can conceptualize. I do not mean to say that only I can conceptualize them becaue I am somehow higher in thinking, but rather that they only apply to my own self and therefore could never be understood by anyone but me. Nonetheless I feel I can still go through many visions I have and some of the insights I arrive at that are more universal in nature.

Here we go.

In this ceremony I was definately cruising. After vommiting as if my mouth was the mouth of a waterfall I experienced what I believe to be my most beautiful vision. I was inside this blue cilinder with a beam of light/energy traveling up the middle of it, and brightly colored anacondas spiraling around the light beam in an upward direction. At the same time this cilinder was flying upwards at an incredible speed against a very impressive fireball that contained every shade of orange and red imaginable. So for a while I watched as the fire encompassed the cool blue cilinder and tried to find some sort of hidden meaning in what was occuring. As soon as this thought arose, the scenery changed. I opened my eyes and noticed a neon colored palm tree had sprouted and grown next to the matress where I was laying. As I examined a tree, a man like spirit with a tale walk over to the tree, climbed up to the top, and sat there for the rest of the night as my watchman. I have a strong inclination that this spirit was someone important from a past life, or possibly a diseased family member because unlike the other protectors I have met, the presence of this one gave me more joy and comfort than all the previous ones combined. I wanted to get into some of the decisions I have to make in the near future in terms of where I want to take my life so I layed there and asked the medicine what I should do. Should I go teach english in South Korea so I can save money to travel and further enhance my journey to self discovery? Should I stay in San Francisco? Move to New York? As I asked this third question, the medicine interupted me and told me that I belong where my family is and that location is secondary. It said that when you stick with your family that is when your life force is most powerful. I was happy to finally find out what I should do, but it was also very troubeling since my parents are moving to Europe in eight months to retire. Do I drop everything I have in California and go with them? This is a question I have to think very thoroughly about. Interestingly enough, when I told my mother about the revelation she told me that she and my father have already been discussing keeping the family together...Maybe my original move to Europe after college was the right choice after all. Anyways, enough of my personal decisions and on to the rest of the ceremony. The last significant part of the ceremony was when Luco came over and conducted a Ventiada on me. A Ventiada is basically a personal healing session between you and the shaman. He sings his icaros at you, opens up chakras, removes dark energies, and protects you by blowing smoke in specific places on your body. This ventiada was especially special to me because not only did he do a number on my head when he did some energy work on it and made it fly open (think of a pipe becoming unclogged). But after he was done he gave me a hug and told me how he loved me like family. After this I laid there in silence and complete bliss until the sun came up.

Ceremony #8

So after getting destroyed on my last ceremony I decided to take it easy since I was still recovering, so I drank substantially less Ayahuasca then I usually do. However, although the experience was shorter lived, it was by no means easier. For about three hours after the medicine took effect I had no control over my body whatsoever. I was twitching uncontrollably and shaking as if it was freezing outside. I put on sweatpants, a hoody, and covered myself with two blankets, but I still shivered in discomfort. I can proudly say though that the feeling of having all that cold energy leaving the body is beyond words. Every inch of my physical self feels lose and nimble! In addition, as usual I had some amazingly kalaidascopic visions of anacondas, lions, and very weird unclassifiable creatures that hovered around me all night as my protectors. Towards the end of my short Ayahuasca journey I finally heard a voice telling me that an important part of my destiny is awaiting me in India. I have always been drawn towards India (especially in the months leading up to my trip to Peru) and to be reassured by a divine voice that an important part of my life journey is to take place in India is simply enchanting.

Rainbows in Outer Space.

So the new group arrived on Sunday which was exciting because It's nice to meet other people who are on the same path as I am and it has a compounding effect on the healing taking place when you have people to share your experiences with after ceremony. Another inspiring aspect about this group is that we have people from all walks of life; Former Special Operations Officer for the Army, an employee for the private security company "Black Water," a computer programer, a wine salesman, and surprisingly, a guy who works for a hedge fund. The diversity in people seeking the medicine gives me great hope that Ayahuasca will go more mainstream and that a shift in the world consciousness is possible in the near future.

Now on to Ayahuasca ceremony #7:

To put it simply, I got absolutely rocked last night. Part of the reason for this was drinking about three times more Ayahuasca than everyone else. I didn't plan on drinking that much but the effects were not kicking in for a long time ( which I later realized was because food stuck in my stomach was slowing down the absorption) so I drank another half glass of Ayahuasca and sat back in my rocking chair. About fifteen minutes later the medicine took effect and it was comparable to being hit by a truck. I found myself in some extremely far out places. One place in particular was when I travelled deep into space to an area that was so dark, and mind-numbingly silent, that I really did not know what to do. I just sat there suspended somewhere in the cosmos completely helpless. Then all of a sudden a rainbows starting appearing everywhere around me which helped me recognize that light is indeed everywhere (because rainbows are just reflections of light). From this point to about three hours later I am sad to say I dont remember that much because I was just so out there that my mind couldnt focus on anything or grasp many of the symbols coming at me. Basically images were just shooting past me super fast, and with each image it had some weird calculation written out that I think was signifying its location in the universe. The calculation was not in any language we could understand. It was similar to Egyptian Hieroglyphs and the types of weird alien writing you would see in Transformers or The Fifth Element. When I came back down a little bit and woke up from a complete blackout I kept seeing rainbows! But this time they were covering the ground everywhere. Each stripe in the rainbow signified a different frequency energy emitting from the earth and into everything on the planet. Other than that, the medicine did some serious work on my intestines. It was very painful at times because my central nervous system was shooting off everywhere and it felt like someone was stepping on my bladder which is extremely uncomfortable. This went on till about 5AM. So all in all, this ceremony was not as profound as others I have had, but the medicine is always doing something in your body regardless. I am sure that tonight I will drink an amount that I can handle and therefore gain some insights into a question I have been meaning to ask the medicine; " Who am I?" Sorry for the hap hazard post :). I still haven't slept, and I still feel extremely vulnerable and tender so it is hard for me to put together a proper report.

Stay tuned!

My Sanango Diet.

As promised, it's time to tell you how my Sanango diet went. Every night at 3 AM I would be awoken from my slumber, and after Luco blessed it, given the Sanango brew to painfully gulp down. The taste is absolutely horrible, and much much worse than the taste of Ayahuasca. And if that was not bad enough, the Sanango root burns your throat worse than anything you imagine. After I drank the brew I was permitted to fall back asleep only to wake up an hour later and violently vomit into the bucket strategically placed next to my bed. In addition, it burned even worse coming back up then it did coming down. After vomiting, I would then usually proceed to sit on the toilet for a while and try to tame the frequent bouts of explosive diarrhoea (I am sorry if you are eating breakfast while reading this, but I am strictly trying to paint an accurate picture of what occured). By this point the Sanango has worked its way into my system and my muscles became heavily sedated, making it difficult to move around. I would spend the next few hours laying there and concentrating on how the Sanango was affecting my energy and central nervous system. My body would become extremely hot, and a pins and needles sensation would cover my entire body. Occasionally through out the day I would get these sharp jolts of energy that would shoot to one hand, or my leg would just start tweaking out. This sounds kind of scary, but I welcomed the Sanango and surrendered to it completely so that it could work its magic. After a week of minimal sleep, tons of purging, and total isolation, I was finished. Over the week something had definately shifted within me, a certainty about my place on this journey and in this universe came over me. Each day of the diet, that certainty seemed to deepen and mature. It was not something I could clearly define, but rather an internal experience that transcended reason, possesing impeccable clarity. With all the alone time I had during the diet, a lot of introspection and value judgements seemed inevitable. So for the rest of this post I would like to share with you some of the thoughts and realizations I arrived at during the week. It is amazing how fast and hard your mind comes at you when you stop distracting yourself with things like computers, ipods, and social interaction, and really listen to what it has to say. Well, going into the diet I was on cloud nine. I had six very profound Ayahuasca ceremonies under my belt, and I admittedly had fallen into the trap of believing that I could kick back because the universe will unfold as it should. This is true, and as I said in an earlier post, that when you stive for something with all of your heart, the universe, fate, whatever you want to call it, helps us onward. Beforehand I took this as our lives being left completely to divine intervention. However, this is not the case. Yes, the universe will help you onward, for example, by bringing someone into your life that can guide you, or that is relevant to your goal, but make no mistake about it, no one gets help in the general meaning of the word. As I lay there in my bed I realized this truth and it was inescapable. But I also realized that if everyone gave help, everyone would receive it too. This brings me back to a reoccuring theme in this blog; That life is not a race, its purpose isn't to try the impossible feet of putting yourself above another person (this is simply an illusion we create), but rather to live side by side and help each other along. Everyone one day will realize the same fate, death. And life and death will always complement one another for eternity. Imagine if we focused all that energy we put into ourselves into helping others, and the drastically different world this would be. Just take a step back and look at how ridiculously skewed our idea of life is today. We kill ourselves at our jobs trying to accumulate enough material wealth to build and decorate the posh prison cells we call homes, to insulate ourselves from the indifference of the world. Another tangent I would like to go off on now is one on happiness. It is so engrained within our culture that happiness is something we don't currently have, that is something that needs to be attained though various channels such as shopping, or finding love etc. Our own constitution even proclaims a right "to the pursuit of happiness." I would like to end all that nonsense right here and now. Happiness is within each and everyone of us right now and always will be. Do not look for peace and happiness outside yourself for you will not find it. It is up to us to let go of the fear in our lives that we so dearly cherish and accept the happiness into our lives. Fear is like a dark cloud that blocks the light. The cloud lifts, and the light that was ALWAYS there shines bright. Think back to the concept of death. No one knows when it will come for you, so be happy today.

"Things are never bad; it's the way you think about them."
- Epictetus

It is time for humanity to stand up and regain its place in the world.

When it comes to our birthdays, we normally see them as a time of gifts and external praise. Well as I turn 25 years old, for the first time I am not using my birthday for selfish or egocentric pursuits, but as a time for reflection about what the last year has brought me and where I want to focus my efforts in the years to come. So without further ado I would like to share with you the thoughts and ideas I have accumulated over the last quarter century that I feel can add great value to your life and the world we live in.

I have always heard people say how if everyone in the world would take lsd, eat psilocybin mushrooms, drink Ayahuasca, etc. that it would save the world. And although I agreed with the idea in regards to my own reality, I have always been partial to such statements because there are simply people in this world that are not in tune enough with their own selves to handle the flood gates opening and putting into question their entire belief system and possibly washing away the foundation of their entire being. However, with the vast array of problems facing the world today, I stronly believe that "psychedelic empowerment" as Terence Mckenna so boldy once said, is what will save us. Concepts such as logic and critical thinking are important, but we need to first FEEL the predicament we are facing. If everyone could FEEL the problems we face, we could move rapidly towards real solutions. But the world unfortunately, is numb. We are dying from a lack of a connection to the living world from which we came. We must reach across barriers of culture and time and space to the basic humanness that unites us all. And we can do this I am sure, with the use of psychoactive plant medicines, and inturn create a sense of global community that fosters caring and responsibility. NONE OF THIS CAN HAPPEN IF WE DO NOT CHANGE THE WAY WE THINK. We have the resources and the logistical ability to pretty much do anything in the world, but we can not seem to change the way we think. The sad reality is that we do not know who we are, and we do not know where we want to go. Western science is six hundred years old (correct me if I am wrong). Humans have been on earth for 2 million years, and life has been here for 1.4 billion. Their are profound mysteries that science will never explain. There is enormous wisdom in biology, and we must tap into it and articulate it. If we really are the crowning achievement of the evolutionary process, lets prove it by lifting ourselves to a higher state of being and not betray it by throwing the planet away. So I urge all of you to look into the many sacred plant teachers, choose the one that speaks to you, and return to harmony with all there is.

- Your friend, Paul

*NOTE:

It is important to not let the governments propoganda campaign of fear and hysteria regarding psychadelics control you anymore! They do no harm to your body and have been employed by some of the greatest minds in the world and have infiltraited influential circles at Berkeley and Harvard. We all know about the counter revolution that occured in the 60s when psychadelics where legal and readily available: People shifted to an archaic style of living, and peoples competitveness disolved. The government does not fear for your well being. They fear for that which can not be contained; the effects psychadelics would have in shaping cultural self image if psychadelics were legal. This is the hidden issue that makes governments unwilling to consider legalization: The unmanaged shift in conciousness that legal psychadelics would bring is extremely threataning to a "dominator," ego oriented culture. Putting aside that absolutely ridiculous idea of making a plant illegal, consider this. If a plant has been in use for thousands of years you can be confident that it does not carry any physical risks.

My Next Challenge

So I am in Iquitos for two days to resupply on things I need, and pull out some money for the next month. The next group does not begin until September 6th, and since I will have all this down time in the jungle, Luco and I decided I would spend eight of those days on a Sanango diet. This diet will be extremely physical and is not for the faint of heart. Any pains I have had in the past will return, my central nervous system will be recharged, and the energy in my body will shift. If thats not bad enough, for the entire eight days I have to be in complete isolation. I can not talk to anyone, use the internet, watch movies, eat salt, sugar, spices, or oil, and I am not allowed to use any soaps, deadorants, bug sprays, and toothpaste. In spite of the many turn offs, I feel that smelling bad, and enduring a week of feeling like crap is worthy trade off for an incredible streangth that will stay with me for life, and the synergy it will have with Ayahuasca. I plan to post my experiences on Friday, September 4th (my birthday!) when I get to break my fast and return to normal living conditions.

One Love

Ceremony # 6

We were orinally only supposed to be having five Ayahuasca ceremonies for every nine day session and Monday was supposed to be our day off, but of course I had to try to be funny at breakfast and suggest we do Ayahuasca that evening. Instead of insighting a riot of laughter and being called crazy, everyone thought it would be a great idea so Luco said it would be no problem at all. However, Luco had one condition; that we all go into the ceremony with the intention of bringing our families closer together. Since I love my family greatly, I put in an emmence amount of focus into pulling my family together with all the love my heart could muster. Eventually, my focus transcended the sheer thought of my family coming together and into a sort of trance where we became one semi transparent entity that shared a heart. In spite of my meditative state, nasua overcame me and since I could not plea for mercy to the Ayahuasca (because Ayahuasca only answers to the heart and in my heart I did not truly want it to end since it I knew it was good for me) so I could only turn to my family for the strenght and support to make it through the night. It was extremely consoling and heart-warming to know that we always have our family (and our best friends who are like family) who never pass judgment, never stop loving you, and will always put your welfare above their own. I find that the love of friends and family is one of the greatest forces in the universe and creates a bond that no worldy pressures can break.

Ceremony # 5

My fifth ceremony was extremely physical. As Luco conducted the Icaros and the Ayahuasca began to take effect, a glowing red jelly fish type creature hovered above me and attached its many tentacles to my body. It slowly scanned my body with a beam of light, starting from my feet and ending at my head. The best comparison I could make is to that of a laser gun they use at department stores to scan barcodes. Anyways, as this jelly fish scanned my body I could feel every pore of my body emmiting light and becoming completely rejuvinated. The greatest effects took place around my intestines. I could feel energy blockages bursting open and allowing energy to channel through places that I had no idea where dormant. As many of you know, I have been on some crazy diets in my day, and I am sure that they caused a lot of disharmony in that region of my body. Now it feels as if my metabolism has been reset and when I eat I have a greater awareness as to how food affects both my physical self and my mind. I can literally feel how different foods excite or dull my mind, and if my cells are getting what they truly desire. In addition, my hand became extremely hot during ceremony, and when I asked Luco why this was happening he said that I was pulling energy from others in the room, and to take that oppurtunity to apply my hands to cold areas of my body to bring them alive and pull out the cold energy. Like last ceremony, I again found that my mind kept drifting towards very trivial thoughts and concerns, but this time something amazing happend! I was catapulted upwards from the ground floor where I was to some sort of higher plane that was full of light. The Ayahuasca was helping me to return to a higher thought process that is hard to translate into words. Even if I tried, I could not think about cultural pursuits such as the accumulation of material wealth, or even anything pertaining to the individual. I now shared a conciousness with everything and everyone. Therefore all I could do was think of love and anything that propelled the universe forward. Eventually what goes up must come down, and I returned to a more grounded state where I asked the Ayahuasca to help me realize what career I am destined for. It showed me standing on a mountain at the base of a trail. I have interpreted this in two differnent ways. The first would be that I am to be some sort of treking guide, and the second would be that I am to lead someone or some people along some path to a place I am not yet able to construe. Notwithstanding, I am joyful about this materialization, and eager to see what evolves into.

Ceremony #4

Last night I decided to switch up the routine a little bit and I asked Luco to pour me 3/4 of the glass full of Ayahuasca (he ended up pouring even more than that) which was 2-3 times the amount almost everyone else was taking. It was a very stranger ceremony for a number of reasons. Number one being that for some reason it was incredibly hard to focus, and I found my mind wandering to some very weird places. I even found myself so spaced out I forgot I had taken Ayahuasca. I began getting frustrated because I desperately wanted to focus on my visions so I could do as much as I could for the process, but it just was not in the cards for me last night. This, I think, brings up a very good point about how in western thought we are always seeking some end result or quantifiable progession in whatever task we undertake. However, with Ayahuasca I learned that there is no end point. This journey never ends, and it is something that requires diligence and the highest degree of patience. Overall I was slightly releived that I could not focus and that I did not know where the energy I was purging was coming from. It gave me the chance to not have to think to much, let the medicine take its course, and to just "enjoy the show." One vision I was able to absorb and digest for the next 8 hours of my sleepless state was one where I was looking at myself and suddenly something zipped in from out of nowhere and tore my head off. This sounds much more violent and grousome than what really happend. A better picture would be to just imagine my head disapeared from the space it occupied. After this happend I pondered what this meant in regard to myself and how I should lead my life. It all became clear when the vision I was having zoomed away from my headless self and showed me that the heart was there to lead me and not my mind. Although it seems cliche, I think this is a very important observation because no matter how many times you hear the phrase "follow your heart," we rarely heed those words. If I look back on my own life I know that it is my mind and logic that hold supremecy over my actions, while the heart is just a lonely servant . This simply can and should not be. Our heart holds only truth, it never lies. The mind however, can play tricks on you, and work with your ego to convince you that the lie you are living is in fact truth. Think about it... do all the accounting majors in college do it because they love accounting and their little hearts will not rest until they can memorize all the GAAP(generaly accepted acounting principles)? Yes, some really do enjoy accounting, but the majority are in it because they are following what their mind is telling them, which is that they will get a good job and in turn have financial security. The point I am trying to make is that I and anyone who whishes to take my advice should stop being so risk averse and really live. Otherwise your heart will never be fulfilled and you wil never reach the level of comfort and happyness that you were born to. It reminds me of a quote that I once heard:

"Peoples greatest fear is not death, it is to risk being alive"

Ceremony #3

Last nights ceremony was far more gentle than the two I experienced before. Everything was in slow motion and incredibly serene. No nausea overtook me this time so I had much more time to focus on my visions and important life questions I am seeking answers to. As time went on however, I realised this ceremony was not going to be easy street. In the absence of intense physical discomfort was a never ending night of sorrow. At first I could not really figure out where this sadness was coming from, but I knew it was something that had to leave so I surrendered completely to the Ayahuasca and trusted that it knows much more than I do in this divinely orchestrated healing process. After a few hours things started coming to the surface regarding where this energy was coming from. I realised to an extent that I was feeling much of the sadness and pain that I have caused others to feel throughout my life. A few other things became very clear to me that I do not yet feel comfortable divulging to the general public, but I hope as I let go of those issues I will share them all with you. Later on a giant clock apeared and then shattered to show me that time does not exist, that it is infinate, and to not let the idea of time to dictate what you do and do not do in this life. To never think thoughts such as "I am to old to start this, I can not go back to school, its to late to do that...blah blah blah." We have numerous lives, and each life is an opportunity to purify your soul and bring yourself back to oneness with everything. It is never to late to act upon anything that you know deep down will make you a happier, healthier, and better person. We must remember that the world has no seperate parts, that it is one system, and that we are all connected. By hurting any member or part of the world, you are hurting yourself and everyone else. By helping yourself and living truthfully to your true inner self, you are helping all things achieve happyness, and an end to suffering. We are lead to believe that we are lacking in areas of our lives, and we blame ourselves an others for not meeting the expectations we set for ourselves. This my friends is living a lie. We are all born perfect, grow up perfect, and end our lives perfect.

Ceremony #2

The second ceremony was absolutely life changing. The visions I experienced were extremely intense, even scary at times. It was definitely a night of purging and a variety of emotions. I do not know if I have already gone over this but with Ayahuasca you feel everything you are purging. For example; when you purge fears that you have it is very very scary, when you are purging mind chatter you are stuck in endless thought spirals, and when you purge any sadness you are very sad. Nonetheless, I welcomed these waves of emotions because after suffering through each part of the purging process, the joy you feel is unmeasurable. Think of it this way... take all the pleasures you can imagine in this world such as fame, money, 19 supermodel girlfriends, being loved by everyone, etc. and all these combined would only be a drop of water in the ocean of joy I was swimming in. They call Ayahuasca the vine of the dead for a reason. This is because I truly died and was reborn as the darkness left me and I became light. After my rebirth I flew all around the world visiting family and friends and showered them with the infinite love and light energy that we all have within us. I then poured it all over the earth and watched as our planet was enveloped by a red glow. Another part of the ceremony that was very special for me was when a little girl spirit flew over next to me and kissed me on the cheek. It gave me the greatest sense of comfort, love , and protection that I have ever felt. It was the feeling that no matter what I face in life, mighty forces will come to my aid. The last thing I want to tell you guys about is what the spirit world is like. Basically its a huge party. Nothing exists there except light, beauty, and love. All the spirits were smiling towards me, giving me a "thumbs up," and even bowing back to me after I bowed to them. Even when things got tough, they were always there to give me breaks from suffering to remind me of their gentle, and compassionate nature, and to show me there was light (no pun intended) at the end of the tunnel.

Ceremony numero uno!!!!

So, I had no idea what to expect for my first experience with Ayahuasca, but I was very excited. We entered the ceremony room at 10 pm and picked out our respective places that we wanted to sit or lie down. I sat directly across from Luco(the shaman) who had all these different healing stones and crystals laid out on a mat in front of him. Before we drank the Ayahuasca he made a cross on each of our foreheads with some sort of oily fragrance. I do not know the exact reason for this, but I believe it was to protect us and help open our third eye chakra. Anyways, now to the exciting part. He poured about half a shot glass full of Ayahuasca, blessed it with tobacco smoke, and handed it to me to gulp down. Wow, it did not taste good. It tastes like battery acid mixed with saw dust. So after we all drank the medicine, Luco began the icaros ( a sacred song shamans sing) and I waited for the effects to kick in. After about 30 minutes the visions apeared. All around me were eyes flying passed me and coming together into one all seeing eye surrounded in neon green light. I cant even describe the word for what I felt. It was so powerful, humbling, mysterious, and comforting all at the same time. I was glad to finally see what I have felt all along... that a supreme godhead exists (which we are all part of) and is watching over our indivbidual selves that have descended from one consciousness. I also tons of beuatiul patterns, and followed a wave of energy as it created the cosmos. However, while I began experiencing the visions I felt extremely nausious as dark energy wanted to be purged from my body. So as much as I wanted to focus on some important questions, Mother Ayahuasca kept bringing the focus back to me and my suffering. The point of showing me lying there in terrible discomfort was to teach me to be less selfish, and that true happiness comes from serving others. Instead of letting me escape into the visions, she basically said "you always think about yourself, well now you can think about the pain you are in, and that pain only for the hours to come." So I suffered and begged for the dark energy to leave and for myself to become the light. Finally I purged a lot of dark energy through vomiting. It felt amazing to get the energy out that my body was fighting so hard to keep inside. I could feel the Ayahuasca cleaning every part of my being of all the locked up fears, emotions, and crossed energies. By this time my visions had came to a halt and a laid there in deep contemplation and sheer bliss until I feel asleep at about 5am. It was a great night, and a great feeling to know that I had 29 more Ayahuasca ceremonies to go until I reach my new self!

Love you all!

8/17/09: The calm before the storm :)

I tried to sleep in but the rooster decided that it would be a good idea to crow all morning, so I got up and hung around waiting for the others to rise. Luckily, Luco was awake and he took me on a walk down to the river where we will be cleansing ourselves every morning at 6am after ceremony to clear the purged energy that is left on our skin from the night before. When we returned everyone was finally awake so we had our breakfast and prepared to depart down river and deep into the jungle to collect the plants going into the Ayahuasca and the ones we will be dieting with. It is so intresting to see how every plant has some sort of healing power. Luco took us around and taught us about the numersoun plants we were collecting. One highlight was when we got to feel the energy of the Ayauma tree with our hands, and bless the Ayauma tree with tobacco smoke before we took part of it. The Ayauma tree as Luco explained it, contains the spirit of a giant with no head so it has no thought, but it has an eye and a heart. We will be putting this in our tea to enhance the healing properties of the Ayahuasca. We also collected Punga Negra, Punga Blanca, and Punga Amaria, which contains the spirit of the Anaconda so that it can join us during the ceremonies. Walking through the Jungle was epic. The trees around us were thousands of years old and hundreds of feet tall. In addition, parts of the jungle becamse do dense that we had to use machetes to get through. After we returned, we had lunch and lounged around for three to four hours. At 6:30 Luco gave us a tea made with the plants we collected earlier to protect us and enhance our experience with the Ayayahuasca.

8/16/09: In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight.

.So I finally got a full nights sleep, which I desperately needed, and got some breakfast next door to the hostal with Phoebe. After we finished eating we packed up the van, took Taylor the ATM machine, and we were off to Nauta where we would switch over to a speedboat. The road to Nauta stretches 100km and took us about one and half hours to traverse. It was a beautifully scenic road trip. We got to see our first glimpse of the jungle that surrounds Iquitos, a diverse collection of flora, and bird. There were also some sombering moments as we drove past scenese of poverty that made Iquiitos look like Beverly Hills. It was also sad to see parts of the forest destroyed from illegal logging, but with such poverty, people have to do what they can to survive. When we arrived in the port village of Nauta I used the restroom, bought some water, and loaded up Lucos boat. The boat ride travelled up the Maranon River, into the Amazon River, and finally down the Ucuyalli River. The entire four hour journey I was in a trance. I could not beleive I was in a place I thought I would only ever see on "Planet Earth." A place where all things abundant converge to create the worlds greatest resource. I was told Pink Dolphins were native to the Amazon, but I had never expected to see any! They are incredible! They swam in large groups at speeds faster than our boat, and of course, they were super pink. So finally we reached Jenaro Herrera and I got situated with what will be my home for the next three months. The house has a seperate room for each of us, a common area, a kitchen, and of course the CEREMONY HOUSE!!! There is also a seperate apprentice house that is almost complete, and which I will be moving into. Finally we ate dinner, and then after taking our left overs around the village to feed the starving dogs, I passed out... even with the knowledge of the looming ceremony on Monday. Again. I apolgize for not putting up the pictures. I will put them up soon!

Iquitos

So I am going to keep this short since I have slept only one hour in the last two days. I arrived in Iquitos this morning. It´s very hard to describe the feeling that came over me. It´s a very strange feeling to arrive on a 21st century aircraft in a country where you feel as if you have gone back in time. As I left the airport on my mototaxi, I was immedietly surrounded by extreme poverty. It was one of the most humbling experiences of my life. To go from the affluent Bay Area to a place where starving children come up to your table when you are eating to ask for any scraps of food you may have, is simply and undescribable emotion. Yet among all the poverty and suffering, the energy in Iquitos is incredible. I feel incredibly present and grounded while I am here. In this hot swealtering jungle city, it is clear to me that the people with nothing seem to have found something that those with plenty can not. All around me are smiling faces, helping hands, and open doors. Greed is non existent. When I tried to give my taxi driver a one dollar tip for the 8 mile taxi ride from the airport he looked at me with disgust that I would even try to give him more than what was expected for such a ride. I am still a little all over the place, and I´m sorry if my thoughts are unclear or rambling, but something about this city has struck a cord very deep within my heart. Anyways, later this evening I went out to dinner with my shaman. I have never met a man so laid back yet so completely aware. As I sat and chatted with him I felt that he already knew everything about me, my past lives, and my unescapable future. He told me and the others partaking on this journey with me that, ¨this next ayahuasca session will be a big one.¨ I can´t even begin to explain the dynamic of the group as we heard these words. What was originally a dinner full of fun and laughter immediately turned to silent contemplation of what is to come, and he wanted it this way. Later he walked us back to our hostal and as we said goodbye he embraced me with a hug that communicated more than I can comprehend at this moment. All I know is that the fleeting moment of that embrace gave me the determination, courage, and clarity to enter my first ayahuasca session on Monday evening. I´m sorry I couldn´t post any pictures of Iquitos, as my camera is back at the hostal, but I will put some up shortly. Love you all from the botom of my heart.

-Paul

Day 1

Die Hard 4: Live Free or Die Hard is the worst movie ever. Sorry, I had to get that off my chest. Anyways. I have finally landed in Lima, Peru, and the persperation party has begun. I have never been in a place more humid in my life. None the less, I am stoked to be here. This place is incredible, and I have only seen the airport. Everyone and there mother are raging, women are singing, and the crazy Christian volunteer group is sitting infront of the Dunk n Donuts praying. The trip over here was a great time as well. I met this Peruvian guy named Walter ( I know, that doesn´t sound very Peruvian) at the Marina Bar at LAX while waiting for my flight to board and one thing let to another, and we were partying. When it came time to board, Walter arranged it so that we could sit next to eachother on the flight, which made the flight extremely enjoyable. Apart from ordering whiskey every five minutes, Walter gave me plenty of good advice regarding my travel to Iquitos and the Amazon Jungle. Everything from finding a taxi, to how to avoid getting my kidney stolen and soled on the black market, to how much money you have to pay for protection in prison if I ever get arrested (the guy would not stop talking about the mafia) was covered in our 8 hour flight. He thinks I am the craziest gringo in the world for coming out here alone, and especially crazy for going into the jungle alone. He has actually been the village I am going to and was able to paint a better picture for me as to what I will be facing. Not only that, he has also taken Ayahuasca and reassured me that it will change my life. When we landed he was even nice enough to help me navigate through immigration. It was pretty funny, the immigration officer gave me a 120 day visa, but only gave Walter (a Peruvian citizen) a 20 day visa. Anyways, the point I was trying to make was that it´s amazing where and when people will pop up into your life to help you along on your journey. It is true that when we whole heartedly work to acheive something, the universe consipires to help us.

Walter and his brother! Walter and I outside the airport!

Ready to go!

So I have finally received all the necessary vaccinations and prescriptions needed for my travel into the Peruvian jungle! I was very surprised to find out how many vaccines I needed, as well as the amount of dangerous viruses I can potentially contract during my stay. Some of the lovely illnesses awaiting me include; Yellow Fever, Typhoid Fever, Hepatitis, Rabies, Dengue Fever, and many more. However, I feel confident that the Ayahuasca and my use of common sense will keep me safe in this regard. I still have to treat my clothing with Permethrin so insects don't eat me alive, but other than that, I'm packed and ready to go. I can already tell that the next nine days leading up to my departure are going to take an eternity. In the meantime I am going to brush up on my Spanish language skills, and shop around for some gifts to give to the people of Jenaro Herrera. I would be lying if I wasn't a little nervous, but I am eager to start this new chapter of my life.